Online Dating Tips

I admit to dabbling in online dating fora, partly because okcupid and match.com seem like better (read: quieter, less irritating) places to meet people than bars, and partly because it allows me to feign proactivity from the comfort of my recliner while drinking a Fat Tire and eating microwaved popcorn.

I’ve met many a respectable dyke online–biologists, computer programmers, lawyers, professors, and the like.  And although True Love has yet to make eyes at me from cyberspace, I’ve made a handful of great friends after meeting them online as prospective dates.  This is all to say that I’m no enemy of web-based romance.

But.

IF you’re going to try your luck online, here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. Don’t put up the best picture that’s ever been taken of you.  If you do, then when someone actually meets you, there’s nowhere to go but down.  Relatedly, don’t conceal your body type, statistically improbable height, cartoonishly large eyes, or missing limbs.  Maybe you’re planning to use the photo to get date #1, then let your sparkling personality win her over in person.  That.  Does.  Not.  Work.  If your physical imperfections would have kept her away online, they’ll keep you from scoring a second date.

2. Everyone likes “laughter” and “having fun.”  Such trite descriptors should not form the cornerstone of your profile.  No one thinks of herself as a mean person who likes to have a shitty time.  If I read one more profile that says something like, “I enjoy having a good time and laughing with my friends,” or “You should message me if you’re a nice person who likes to have fun,” I’m going to shoot myself in the throat.

3. Don’t plan long first dates.  No matter how awesome someone seems, how articulate her emails, and how delicate the collection of pixels that comprise her onscreen visage, keep in mind that you do not know her.  I made this mistake once.  We exchanged three or four long, riveting emails, then made plans to have lunch together, see a play, then have a cup of coffee.  Within five minutes of meeting this Yale-educated doctor, it became evident that she was the most boring person I had ever met–ever–in my entire life (and I’ve been to law school, kids, so that’s saying something).  This woman was like a vacuum.  She was the anti-interest.  I plied her with questions about her upbringing, med school, and her parents and siblings.  We went to the play, she laughed at all the stupidest parts, and I bailed on the coffee before she could kill me with her abyss of boredom.

4. Announcing that you are a “nerd” and love to “nerd out” and “let [your] nerd flag fly” is tantamount to announcing that you are most certainly not a nerd.  Occasionally reading a book when you are not required to do so, or liking a band that other people may not have heard of, or enjoying independent films, does not qualify you as a “nerd.”  Sorry.  Real nerds spent enough years getting the crap beat out of them in grade school that they don’t claim it as a badge of honor even now that it’s supposedly cool.

5. Assume that a certain level of awkwardness will ensue.  Plan accordingly.  Because, dude, you’re meeting someone you don’t know.  You’re both putting yourselves out there–saying, “I want a relationship badly enough to seek it online, and I’ve already gone through my friends’ friends, and nothing worked out.”  If you end the night even a tiny bit interested in a second date with this person, you  get to chalk it up as a win.

 

LOL

Important announcement: “LOL” stands for “laughing out loud,” not “I am vaguely amused.”  Thus, it is appropriate to write “LOL” only when you are literally laughing out loud.  Unless you are (1) a hyena, or (2) terribly ironic, do not send emails that contain sentences such as, “It was great to see you last night–I love that restaurant lol!” or “Usually I’m not this busy lol!” Suggesting that you are laughing out loud, when you clearly should not be, will cause an intelligent recipient to think you are crazy, illiterate, or both.

 

Oh, Very Well.

My friend Jay, who makes terrific art, commented that–to paraphrase–my last post was a little bit slackery, since I didn’t write anything *about* the books, just listed them.  Very well, Jay.  Here are some preliminary thoughts, just for you.

My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler: Laugh-out-loud funny in 3-4 places, but that was about it.  She’s not about to join the ranks of David Sedaris, or (a hush falls over the crowd) Fran Lebowitz.  Then again, unlike Fran Lebowitz, Chelsea Handler is actually writing these days, which is worth many additional points.

Blue Shoe by Ann Lamott: Although I remember enjoying this book as I was reading it, and thinking that it was well-plotted, I cannot recall a single thing about it.  This seems like a bad sign.

God Says No by James Hannaham: I read this one with a book club.  It’s about a devout Christian who realizes he’s attracted to other men, then starts acting on these impulses.  When he sees an escape from his straight married life, he takes it.  Most of the book isn’t about his struggle to accept who he is–it’s about his struggle to somehow get around it.  Other members of my book club didn’t take to it, particularly, nor did they find it believable.  I thought it was interesting, though–it’s not easy to write a deeply religious, not-especially-bright-or-introspective character believably, and I thought Hannaham did a good job of it.  I would have liked to see more development of minor characters, some of whom seemed pretty two-dimensional, and if the book *had* to end with a whimper, I would have liked it to end with a louder one.

My head cold is making me tired, so I’ll switch gears and make a quick plug for paperbackswap.com.  It’s a good site for swapping books (not just paperbacks), both fiction and non-fiction.  Sign up immediately.  There’s a really great selection, and I’ve had good luck with the condition of books, as well as people’s promptness in mailing ‘em.

 

This Year’s Reads

A friend recently suggested that I blog about the books I’ve read this year.  I’ve been short on blogging impetus (impetuses?  impeti?) recently and decided to take her up on it.  I’m including audiobooks, though we could debate whether I should, and have decided to keep all the books on the list, even the handful that are so lowbrow I’m loathe to admit I read them.

My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler

Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain

How To Eat Like a Hot Chick by Jodi Lipper and Cerina Vincent

Family Planning by Karan Mahajan

Lost City Radio by Daniel Alarcon

The Descendants by Kaui Hemmings

A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah

Last Night At The Lobster by Stuart O’Nan

Anonymous Lawyer by Jeremy Blachman

Sway by Rom Bravman and Ori Bravman

The Abstinence Teacher by Tom Perotta

The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For by Alison Bechtel

Sway by Nick Hornby

No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July

Blue Shoe by Ann Lamott

A Blind Man Can See How Much I Love You by Amy Bloom

That Old Cape Magic by Richard Russo

Normal by Amy Bloom

Book of Illusions by Paul Auster

The Good Wife by Stuart O’Nan

Bright Lights, Big City by Jay McInerney

God Says No by James Hannaham

The Enthusiast by Charlie Haas

Though I don’t include them here, my handwritten list also notes the date I finished each book.  January and November were dry spells; no books are listed under either month.  This doesn’t necessarily mean I didn’t read during either of those months, only that I didn’t finish anything; thus, it is probably not an especially useful statistic.

The authors I am most pleased to have discovered this year are Stuart O’Nan (thanks to Adam Johnson and Tom Kealey for this) and Amy Bloom.  Miranda July’s short story collection was also stirring and gorgeous, and Paul Auster’s Book of Illusions stayed with me for days afterward.

All in all, a good reading year.  I may finish another book or two in the next few days, and if I do, will update the list.

I read part of Nick Hornby’s The Polysyllabic Spree, in which every month, he noted which books he’d bought and which he’d read.  Would it interest any of you, dear handful of loyal readers, if I did a similar monthly entry?  Books bought/books started/books read?

 

BTW

I would just like to highlight that one of the top five searches that leads people to my website is “where to rent a Clydesdale for low price.” Who are these people who want to rent Clydesdales?

 

Conversation at a McDonald’s Drive-Thru [sic] in Petaluma, CA

Background: I don’t like fast food, with the exception of a Taco Bell taco or a Wendy’s Frosty about once every 2-3 years.  But I was driving in a very hot car with my dog, and needed to get her some water, so I needed to go through the Drive-Thru [sic] and felt obligated to order an actual food item, not just two free large glasses of water.

Drive-Thru Person (hereafter, DTP): Can I take your order?

Me: Uuuuh… (Scanning menu, uninspired) I guess maybe, like, some kind of dessert.

DTP: Excuse me?

Me: A shake.  Can I get a shake?

DTP: A triple-thick shake?

Me: What are triple-thick shakes?

DTP: They’re three times as thick as regular shakes.

Me: Oh.  Um, no, I guess I just want a regular shake.

DTP: What?

Me: A regular shake.  I don’t need a triple-thick one.

DTP: We don’t have regular shakes.

Me: But I thought you just said the triple-thick shakes were three times as thick as your regular shakes.

DTP: That’s right.

Me: But you don’t have regular shakes.

DTP: No, ma’am.

Me: So your triple-thick shakes are your regular shakes?

DTP: No, ma’am.

Me: (Confused) Can I have a McFlurry?

DTP: Anything to eat?

Me: An Oreo McFlurry.

DTP: Nothing to eat?

Me: Besides the McFlurry?

DTP: Yes.

Me: (Realizing that McDonald’s actually considers a McFlurry a “drink” and feeling dispirited.  Sighs heavily.) No.

 

A Lesbian’s Ode to the Goodwill Boutique

O Fancy Goodwill,

I love you for your generous selection of brightly-colored men’s shirts,

For your proximity to the Peets that the cute girl manages,

For your pedestrian yet inspiring selection of fiction at low prices.

Were it not for you, Fancy Goodwill,

I would own nothing J. Crew,

No Kenneth Cole,

No North Face fleece vests,

No high-quality French shirts with other people’s names penned on the collars in indelible ink.

.

O Fancy Goodwill,

I forgive you for your limited selection of size 6 men’s shoes,

And your long dressing room lines,

Because the people who work for you are so oblivious

Or so stoned

Or so magnanimously accepting

That they don’t look at me funny when I take ties into the dressing room,

Or when I try on shirts in the aisles if there’s a line,

Which is more than I can say for the people who work at Macy’s.

.

O Fancy Goodwill,

My first-edition Middlesex,

My American Eagle oxfords,

My stylish yet practical Banana Republic jacket–

All because of you, Fancy Goodwill.

.

O Fancy Goodwill,

My Fancy Goodwill,

How I cherish thee.

 

Is it really 10 pm?

Tonight I made Indian food for one, salad for one, and a Black & Tan for one.   (The B&T was really the only way to save that Samuel Smith’s organic raspberry ale, or whatever it’s called.  Terrible, syrupy stuff nothing like Lost Coast Brewery‘s wonderful Raspberry Brown Ale, which Whole Foods no longer seems to carry.)  I also made dog food kibble with treats on top for one, but that one wasn’t me.  My dog always leaves just a tiny bit of food at the bottom of her bowl, maybe about 20% of whatever I’ve given her.  I wonder if it’s the way a friend of mine always leaves a (maddening, tiny) little bit of ice cream in the carton, which he claims is “for snacks,” and I insist is “for misleading me about the presence of a noteworthy quantity of ice cream in the freezer.”

 

Congrats, E and R!!

Wedding was great.  Highlights include:

- Great ceremony; great poems.  I read one called “Love Recognized” by Robert Penn Warren.  I was unsure at first look, but really warmed up to it.

- Meeting the bride and groom’s very cool friends.  Isn’t it nice how great people often know other great people?

- Dancing merengue with the aforementioned Hare Krishna guy (who is awesome–I’m hoping he’s going to come crash with me on the west coast sometime).  And yes, he wore his orange robe in the ceremony, and I hope there will be lots of pictures of this  tall, thin guy in an orange robe guiding stocky me in a suit and tie down the aisle.  He and I got a huge kick out of our unlikely pairing.

- Beyonce’s “Put a Ring on It.”  I love that song.

- Getting to hang out with R, a great friend from college whom I don’t see nearly often enough!

- Getting to talk to E and E, two other good friends I want to see more often.

- Trying the Boston area’s #1 breakfast joint (tomorrow morning), Sugar Magnolia.

- I now have a favorite tie knot: the half-windsor.  Simple, not slightly crooked like the four-in-hand, and stays sharp-looking for many hours.  I have to get this one down.

- Loved wearing a suit and tie!!  No dress!  No heels!  No rouge!  Such liberation!  So fun!  I was very, very nervous about it, and was afraid people would stare at me or be uncomfortable. But aside from getting sir’d by the caterer, it was just fine.  The bride’s mom told me I looked “really sharp,” and overall, I got far more compliments than stares.  Maybe people can tell when you’re at ease with yourself.

- Jim’s Organic Coffee.  I don’t know who you are, Jim, but your coffee is damned fine.

All in all, it was a good trip.  I fly back in tomorrow around midnight.  I’d considered staying in Northampton for a few weeks after the wedding, since $500 seems like an awful lot to spend to get somewhere if you’re only hanging out there for three days.  Plus, Northampton sounds like a blast for an, um, multitude of reasons.  It’s also beautiful here in Gloucester.  But I’m glad I’m coming home tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to getting back to my research, starting at my new gym, moving to my new place, and to getting back to more writing on various projects.

Speaking of starting at my new gym, I’ve been thinking that I need an incentive to work out.  I really want to get in shape: lose weight, improve my cardiovascular health, have some muscle definition in my arms, etc.  I wonder if people would sponsor me this summer in my efforts–say, from July 1 to October 1 (three months).  I’d do it to benefit some charity–probably an Alzheimer’s research group.  People could donate x amount of money for every pound I lost, or mile I ran, or–maybe best of all–every hour I worked out.  If anyone reads this blog (doubtful, I know), let me know what you think.  There’s something like 14 weeks in 3 months.  So I guess my workout goal, in hours total, would be about 56 hours.  Would people donate a dollar or two for every hour I worked out?  I really think that might keep me going.

 

The Odd Couple

I am in Massachusetts because I’m in a good friend’s wedding, and the wedding is in Gloucester. The people in the wedding party are all incredibly nice. The groomsman who’s escorting me down the aisle is a Hare Krishna monk, and I’m pretty sure he’s going to wear his orange robe to the wedding ceremony. We are definitely the odd couple: a butch (well, butchish) lesbian bridesmaid wearing a suit and tie, and a tall Hare Krishna guy wearing a bright orange robe. I talked to him over dinner, and he is super cool. I got to hear the story of how he got involved in the Hare Krishna movement, and I also learned a lot about the movement itself. One of life’s great pleasures is meeting interesting people in unexpected places.  I have to remember to slow down so I don’t miss them.

 

Some Reflections about Dunkin’ Donuts

I’m visiting Massachusetts right now, and these people go batshit for Dunkin’ Donuts. I vaguely remembered getting a substandard cup o’ joe from one in Cambridge eight or nine years ago, but thought I should try it again, since–if other people’s enthusiasm is any clue–their coffee is laced with meth. I ordered a regular coffee and a chocolate cake donut.  The donut was not disgusting, just substandard in its lack of warmth and chocolateyness.  (And–let’s be honest–my standards are not particularly high.  As I type this, I am enjoying a hearty dessert of salted nuts and candy corn.)  The coffee was decent when it was burning hot, but when it cooled down enough for me to actually taste it, it was bitter and sour and smelled vaguely burnt. It’s also worth noting that you’re not allowed to put in your own cream and sugar, and that their default is three packets of sugar for a 16-oz cup. I had to ask twice to get the person who was pouring it to put only one packet in. Their slogan is “America Runs on Dunkin’.” Why would America want to run on saturated-solution sugar coffee and substandard donuts?  Then again, these people also think “good weather” is 85 degrees, overcast, and humid.

The dissonance between the Dunkin’ Donuts hype and my experience was large enough that I felt motivated to join an anti-Dunkin’ Donuts Facebook group (and assumed that I would have several from which to choose).  Imagine my surprise when I saw only half a dozen tiny (<50) groups of people who were anti-Dunkin’ (disgruntled employees; some person whose mom supposedly found a cockroach in her Dunkin’ Donuts coffee; people who believe that their love for Starbucks requires them to disparage all other successful companies that serve coffee), and over 40 pro-Dunkin’ groups(!!). A search for “Dunkin’ Donuts gross” turns up only a Facebook group campaigning for Dunkin’ Donuts coffee to be sold by the gross.  I joined a six-person group called “Dunkin’ Disgusting,” which is slightly hyperbolic but seems to be on the right track.  There was one group proclaiming that Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is better than McDonald’s coffee.  Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is probably also better than rat excrement boiled in lemon juice.  But neither observation warrants boasting, let alone a Facebook group.

 

Landlord Blues

My landlord is such a jerk. I’m now moving out, and he’s claiming that everything that was in the apartment when I moved in was his, even though the previous tenant told me they were hers (e.g., microwave).

This is just one thing in a long line of asshole moves this guy has made. He’s still livid that I wouldn’t break my lease 7 months early, voluntarily, without compensation. I’m so glad he’s not going to be my landlord anymore. I would unleash my judo skills on him, but it would be such a physical mismatch that I’d probably end up hurting him and having to pay hospital bills.

Oh yeah. And I haven’t acquired any judo skills since second grade.

 

In Which Our Heroine (and Sole Cast Member) Ceases Writing for a Time

See? I told you I probably wouldn’t keep this up. Now look at me–it’s been months since I’ve updated. But you’ll be glad to know that during this time, I have accomplished many things. Let’s take a wee gander at the numbers.

Books read: 6
Presentations given: 1
Student papers graded: 50ish
Illnesses contracted: 2 (known)
Illnesses overcome: 1 (dang lingering cold!)
Times called “sir”: 3
Times called “sir” by an elderly female usher at a mostly-lesbian event, even after speaking: 1
Prospective apartments visited: 14 (approximate)
Visits to beach, for business, pleasure, or whimsy: 4
Ceilings washed and painted: 2
Times my dog has woken me up because I’m coughing: 5
Persimmons procured: 11

 

In Which a Multilingual Reverend Rents an Apartment to A Tax-Evading Bookmobile Driver

Since I am determined to win a bet that I can abstain from word games this week, I had extra time to continue my dialogue with you-know-who. He seemed intent on getting my answers, so I sent him back the following note:

Ok many thanks to you and your Sick Wife. Here is the application form please talk back immediately as I have no time to wait.

1)Your Full Name: Katie Cassandra Alaina Oregano Strong.

2)Present Address(where you reside now) & Phone Number: Currently no address no phone just library Internet access and library bookmobile which is where I reside it is good place and have many books.

3)How old are you: 38

4)Are you married: If this is marriage proposal I must decline for now as we scarcely know each other Mr. Smith Collins! And also seeing as you are man of God and married to the Lord and also to your Sick Wife, I think better not for now.

5)How many people will be living in the apartment: 1

6)Do you have a pet: Yes as stated in previous email goodly exchanges.

7)Do you have a car: Have library bookmobile.

8)Occupation: Driver of library bookmobile (but under the table please do not report)

9)What is your religion: Orthodox polytheistic

10)How long are you willing to stay: Forever.

11)When do you intend to move in: Little bit at a time.

12)1 month Or 2 month deposit needed: I would prefer you give me two months’ deposit. That would make my financial situation easier.

13) Pictures of all the Occupant that will stay in my apartment:
Wilbur (remember just SOMEtimes! I promise he is smaller than he looks in this picture)

My tiger sharks: Dudley, Fran, Lucia, Spikey, and Bartholomew (don’t worry they stay in aquarium nearly ALWAYS!)

Cats (don’t worry they are NOT ALL MINE just half of them are. I adopted from abandoned house where they were living feral).

And here is picture of me loving America:

It is in God’s hands now! Look to forward more hearing from you. Also please give me address of where to send free tiger shark for new landlord!

Bless you reverend!
Katie

To be honest, I figured this would be a little much, even for Rev. S.C. I was wrong. He either has a strange sense of the line between whimsy and insanity, or he simply doesn’t care what I say, because he just wants me to send the money. I received a very boring reply back from him telling me how to wire the $1000. I’ll paste part of it here:

Thank you very much for your reply [...] l showed your profile to my secretary and son in africa, they said they are ok with it.[...] You will be paying to my secretary via Western Union because l think it reliable,secured and fast,l wish you best of luck in your work, from your profile l can see that you are responsible and a hard working person may the almighty Lord lead you[...] As soon as the 1st months deposit payment has been confirmed by my secretary via Western union,He will go ahead and commence on how the apartment keys/Documents will be delivered to you via DHL COURIER SERVICE on next day delivery [...] Let me hear back from you as soon as possible so that l can go arrange for the delivery of the keys/Documents. [...] Best Regards

I promptly sent this email back:

Thank you Reverend Smith Collins! It is so hard to find trustworthy people these days and it is obvious you are a Man o’ the Lord.

I have more questions for you because I want to make sure this is the right place for me. I have narrowed it down to 2 apartments and yours is one of them. Please answer the following and we will make money arrangements. Godspeed.

1. It is a custom in my family (Estonian/Venusian) to send gift to landlord before renting apartment. Please give me address where I can send your free tiger shark!

2. Would you like a boy tiger shark or a girl tiger shark?

3. What would you like to name your tiger shark?

4. I am picky about my coffee. Do you have coffee maker? What kind of coffee maker is it? Please send picture.

5. Will the refrigerator be stocked with food when I arrive? What kind of food?

6. What is your son’s name? What is your wife’s name? (This is to establish mutual trust.)

7. Can you promise me that you will not put tiger shark in same container as your Yorkie dog? This would be VERY dangerous for one or both animals. Promise me?!?

8. What part of Africa do you live in?

9. Can you tell me about your church? I am looking for a new church to join.

Looking forward to sending you money through Western Union!

Cheers,
Katie

In less than an hour, I received his winsome reply:

boy tiger shark or a girl tiger shark?Boy

What would you like to name your tiger shark?Tiny

5. Will the refrigerator be stocked with food when I arrive? What kind of food?No

What is your son’s name? What is your wife’s name? (This is to establish mutual trust.)My Son’s Name Is:Christian

your wife’s name:Maria

kind of coffee maker (with picture)I don’t Have One

you will not put tiger shark in same container as Yorkie dog? This would be VERY dangerous for one or both animals. Promise me?!?Yes

What part of Africa do you live in?Nigeria

you tell me about your church? I am looking for a new church to join.Four Square Gospel Ministry

So can i forward yopu the payment informatrion on how you are going to make the payment?

Am I the only one who finds it just a little bit touching that he picked out the name “Tiny” for his tiger shark? We then had a series of short, friendly exchanges:

Me: It is a custom in my family (Estonian/Venusian) to send gift to landlord before renting apartment. Please give me address where I can send your free tiger shark!

Smitty: In Victoria Island.

Me: Please list ALL of the pets you have and their names.

Smitty: Dog:Yorkie,Cat:Windy So xcan i forward you the information.So that the jkeys and the documents can be send to you immediately after the paymnet.

Me: Are you allergic to sharks?

Smitty: yes

Me: If you are allergic to sharks, do you really think I should send you a shark?

Smitty: I am sorry i don’t think so.

Me: I’m really sorry. My Estonian/Venusian upbringing does not allow me to rent a place without giving a gift to the landlord. If you can think of another gift that you would like instead, please let me know what you want and maybe we can work something out.

Smitty: Can i send you the info.

Me: Sure, Reverend. You can give me the information if you want. But please be sure to send it in both English AND Spanish. Thanks!

With characteristic promptness, the Reverend Smith Collins took only a day to send the following:

Aquí está mi Secretario de la información de pago, si el pago fue enviado a usted que hoy se le va a recibir las llaves y el documento de la casa lo primero que mañana por la mañana alrededor de 9.30, le prometo que si realiza el pago de hoy usted recibirá la llaves y el documento mañana, me gustaría que nos prometa que va a cuidar muy bien de la vivienda para nosotros.

A continuación se muestra la información para enviar el pago a través de Western Union o Money Gramm transferencia de dinero más cercana a usted ..

Reciever Nombre: JOE LAMB
Dirección: 101 Harvey carretera Cresent
Ciudad: Isla Victoria
Estado: Lagos
País: Nigeria
Código postal: 23401
TEXTO PREGUNTA: EN DIOS
Respuesta: CONFIANZA

Tan pronto como usted envía el pago de la Western Union o Money Gramm transferencia de dinero más cercano a usted, a usted se le hubiera dado alguna información. Tendrá que volver a mí con la información siguiente:

1. Nombre completo del remitente y dirección
2.Mtcn # # o de referencia:
3. Monto enviado: $ 1000

Tan pronto como mi Secretario confirma el 1er mes de depósito de pago, las llaves y el documento está listo para ser buque a la dirección que llenar en el formulario de solicitud, por lo que una vez que el pago fue confirmado por mi esposo las llaves y el documento se enviará a usted de inmediato.

Gracias y que Dios los bendiga

Smith Collins

SO cool, right?? I told him:

First I need to know what kind of gift to give you!

And Smitty wrote back–wait for it:

Thanks for the mail.I want you to know that i am ok with puppy. So i will be expecting the payment details from you soon. Thanks…..

He is okay with puppy! I wonder if, somewhere in Mr. Scammer’s boyhood, what he really wanted was a dog named Tiny. Because he never got it, he turned to thievery. It started small: taking home a stray sock at the laundromat, borrowing a dollar from a friend and “forgetting” to pay it back. Over time, it became an obsession, and then a way of life. Before he knew it, Smitty was stealing deposit-sized chunks from unsuspecting grad students looking for cheap apartments. Maybe he hates what he has become, curses his own visage in the mirror every morning and thinks, if only I had a puppy, maybe none of this would have happened.

Alas.

 

Fun with Scam Artists

A few months ago, I read about the exchange that one of my favorite comedians, DeAnne Smith, had with a landlord scam artist. In searching for a new place to rent (because I am a real estate magnet and my mere presence induces people to put their homes up for sale), I encountered a scam artist of my own. Moved by an atypical sense of whimsy (read: procrastination), I decided to have a little fun with “Reverend Smith Collins.”

First, I’ll post his original response to my inquiry. It’s not particularly noteworthy, except that certain words are capitalized for reasons that are unclear to me, and that the first sentence is inordinately long.

Hello,

My name is Smith Collins the owner of the 2 bedroom apartment and i also want you to know that it was due to my transfer and also due to my wife’s Sickness that made us to leave the apartment and we also want to give it out for rent and we are looking for a responsible person that can take very good care of the apartment for us and that is the reason that makes me my wife and Son to leave the apartment and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take very good care of it as we are not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean at all time and the person that will rent it to take it as if it were its own. [Whew! Yes, that was all one sentence.] So for now, We are here in west Africa, our new apartment and put all my worries off concerning the maintenance of the apartment for, since i am not residing there for now.I left behind some Facilities and electonics which include the rent, and a DVD player, air conditioning, alarm system. The kitchen is fully equipped with all necessary cooking utensils, arefrigerator-freezer, four-hob and oven [...] Also the keys to the apartment are right here with me, and the lease document. Which i can send to you after all necessary agreement has be accepted. [...] Your absolute maintenance of my apartment is most important thing so will want you to get back to me with the Application form below. [...] the keys and the documents to the apartment are with me here in africa

And then there’s a really long application with a lot of questions. In response, I wrote:

Sounds great. I was wondering what a “four-hob” is. Also, please send me a copy of the rental agreement that you use so I can take a look at the lease terms. [...] P.S. What kind of DVD player is it? I only use Sony but could make exception.

Smitty’s first reply was, frankly, disappointing:

Thanks for the mail,I want you to go ahead and view the 2 bedroom house and get back to me with the rent application form filled out so that we can proceed further.

I decided we could do better than this. So, after a blase exchange in which he sent me pictures of a clearly fictitious apartment (with no Sony in sight, I might add), I wrote:

I cannot read in English so good if you could translate to French I be much appreciative.

And a few days later, he responded:

Alors bon de relire de soon.I vous voulez vous faire savoir que j’ai joint les photos que vous avez demandé, alors je vais vous invitons à remplir le loyer application form.

Now we were in business! Encouraged, I decided to see how badly the “reverend” wanted my info:

Thanks for writing in French! I really appreciate it. I write in English, but French is easier for me to read. I will fill out your application form. I, too, have an application form for future landlords. So will you please fill out the following (it is very short):

1. NAME:

3. COULD I HAVE MY CATS AT THE APARTMENT?

4. SOMETIMES I BABYSIT A FRIEND’S HORSE. CAN THE HORSE (WILBUR) STAY IN THE APARTMENT ONCE EVERY OTHER WEEK? HE IS A VERY GOOD HORSE, NO BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS:

5. ARE YOU A CHILD OF GOD? HOW DO YOU KNOW?

Thanks for your time! I look forward to being your tenant and giving you all of my information after I receive your answers.

So I wasn’t necessarily expecting anything back, what with the horse and all. But Smitty did not disappoint:

1. NAME: Smith collins

3. COULD I HAVE MY CATS AT THE APARTMENT? Yes

4. SOMETIMES I BABYSIT A FRIEND’S HORSE. CAN THE HORSE (WILBUR) STAY IN THE APARTMENT ONCE EVERY OTHER WEEK? HE IS A VERY GOOD HORSE, NO BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS: Ok

5. ARE YOU A CHILD OF GOD? HOW DO YOU KNOW? I will like to know that i am not only a child of God i am a Rev.

Not only a child of God, but a reverend to boot! This was too good to be true! But Rev. Smitty’s got to pass another test first, and this time, I wasn’t messing around:

Thank you! Unfortunately, it looks like the last half of the application got cut off. Here is the second half. Please fill it out so we can look forward to doing business together! I am glad that you will allow a horse in the apartment. It is surprising, but many people think horses should stay in stables instead of apartments. I am glad you are not one of those people.

6. IS IT OKAY IF I HAVE A 1500-GALLON SALTWATER AQUARIUM IN THE APARTMENT? I BREED TIGER SHARKS AND NEED A COMFORTABLE PLACE FOR THEM AS WELL.

7. WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE TIGER SHARK IF YOU BECOME MY LANDLORD?

8. I HAVE A DOG AS WELL AS THE CAT AND HORSE SO IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME THAT MY NEW LANDLORD BE A LOVER OF ANIMALS. ARE YOU KIND TO ANIMALS?

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF ANIMAL?

10. I FIND THAT FLUORESCENT ORANGE SOOTHES THE ANIMALS. WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I PAINTED THE WALLS OF THE APARTMENT?

Thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it! I have filled out most of your application form and look forward to sending it back to you so that we can get started!

I heard back in just a couple of hours! So responsive, our Smitty!

6. IS IT OKAY IF I HAVE A 1500-GALLON SALTWATER AQUARIUM IN THE APARTMENT? I BREED TIGER SHARKS AND NEED A COMFORTABLE PLACE FOR THEM AS WELL. It’s Ok

7. WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE TIGER SHARK IF YOU BECOME MY LANDLORD? Yes

8. I HAVE A DOG AS WELL AS THE CAT AND HORSE SO IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME THAT MY NEW LANDLORD BE A LOVER OF ANIMALS. ARE YOU KIND TO ANIMALS? Yes

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF ANIMAL? Dog And Is Yorkie

10. I FIND THAT FLUORESCENT ORANGE SOOTHES THE ANIMALS. WOULD IT BE ALL RIGHT IF I PAINTED THE WALLS OF THE APARTMENT? Yes

Ok now fill the application form . Thanks And God Bless You.

Hmm… So Smitty’s playing ball, but getting impatient. I’m actually touched that he likes Yorkies. So do I. I feel like I know the man already. Plus, I owe him a tiger shark. AND he’s going to let me keep a horse in the apartment and paint the walls fluorescent orange! This really assuaged my fears about whether I’d be able to find a good new place to live.

 

In no particular order

1. Scramble is better than Pathwords
2. I don’t understand Twitter’s allure. Maybe I’m missing something.
3. This was the hardest week I’ve had in a long time.
4. Are all landlords strange, or just mine? Seriously. I’m 99% sure that Mr. Landlord Dude lets himself into my house to turn off the lights when I’m gone. Weird. Plus illegal. I’m going to change the locks.
5. Divorce officially filed on Monday.
6. Items 3 and 5 may not be unrelated.
7. I’m at Peet’s, which is exceedingly crowded.
8. I ate a whole avocado for lunch, and my throat hurt for an hour afterward, prompting me to wonder if I’m allergic to avocado.
9. I can’t decide what to do with this blog. I haven’t given the address to anyone, so no one who knows me actually knows about it. Blogs seem strange and self-indulgent. And still, I want to keep doing it–maybe as practice before I finally quit school to go into the world of freelance writing (not really) or stand-up comedy (really not really) or avocado farming (really, really not really).
10. Red rooibos tea is terrific: earth and clay and red dirt tastes all mixed into one. It’s like Chevy’s tortillas or Nick Hornby novels: it shouldn’t be good, but it is!

 

Some thoughts about the gay marriage argument while it’s happening

The focus on an “unalienable” right in the exchange with the colloquy with the CA Attorney General struck me as ridiculous. If we consider the right to amend the CA Constitution something unalienable, it means that the CA Constitution could be amended to, say, take away the free speech rights for all women.

I’m a little surprised that more of the argument isn’t focusing on the status of gays and lesbians under the CA Constitution as a suspect class. This is the hook we have in CA that we don’t have in the federal constitution–for ex, we can’t be kicked off of juries for being gay, while this *is* allowed to happen in federal jury service.

At least it sounds, from the questions that the justices are asking, that there’s not going to be a problem for the 18,000 gay and lesbian couples that were married before Prop 8 passed. Ken Starr’s trying to make the argument that when people were voting on Prop 8, they believed that it would be applied retroactively. Given the language of the proposition, this strikes me as a *very* difficult argument to make. To be sure, the retroactivity argument is the smaller one, and if that’s all we win, it’s going to be little comfort to those of us whose inequality as citizens will be written into the CA Constitution. But I think that even if this is the decision, it could ultimately have a positive social effect and make the battle easier to win next time it’s on the ballot… which, I hope, would be soon.

The idea that a majority of the citizens of a state are allowed to take away the rights of the members of a suspect class is very, very scary. If gays and lesbians weren’t a suspect class, that would be a slightly different decision. But the idea that the majority could take away the rights of a suspect class?? Doesn’t this mean that, at least under the CA Constitution) CA’s citizens could vote to take away the rights of, say, a particular racial group?

 

Spam

Today’s Viagra spam reads: “Try and become macho. Feel power and strength of your ancestors when you drilling your woman.” WHAT?!?! Who translates these things??

 

Word Games

Today I played Pathwords for about 4 hours. Maybe longer. I have three articles to read and a five-page paper to write for tomorrow. I don’t know what compelled me to play Pathwords so much.

Saturday my ex and I filled out all the paperwork for the divorce.

I’ve been trying to get myself to do things I enjoy, and which make me happy, but this can be really hard. Maybe I’m putting off writing because I will be scared that after more than five years, I won’t be good anymore.

It’s time to get busy living or get busy dying. My old mentor PH used to say that (it’s from “Shawshank Redemption”). It makes sense. Time is going to pass whether I am making the most of my life or not.

Reinvention is hard. I spent the last ten years of my life thinking that I would be with the same person forever. And then I realized that I’m gay, and we had to get divorced. This was a long process. He is still my best friend, and I miss him terribly. When we were married and living together, I didn’t think my marriage was such a big part of my identity that I would feel completely at sea without it, but I do. Sometimes we don’t know the affect things have until they’re gone. It makes me sad.

 

Abso-freakin’-lutely

LAST-RESORT IDEAS FOR A DEFENSE ATTORNEY IN A MURDER TRIAL

“The victim is in a better place now.”

“At the time of the murder, my client was home downloading child pornography.”

“My client’s more of a knives-and-rope kind of guy.”

“Meh.” (Shrugs.) “I’ve seen worse.”

“This is a textbook case of what happens when we fail to impose adequate regulations on capitalist actors in our supposedly-democratic system, resulting in joblessness, poverty, shiftlessness, despair, and—yes—tragically, death.”

“I can’t find my client. Well… I guess that settles that.”

“If he was going to kill the victim, my client would have done it a lot sooner—God knows they hated each other enough.”

“The victim was old, so he probably would have died soon anyway.”