I’m visiting Massachusetts right now, and these people go batshit for Dunkin’ Donuts. I vaguely remembered getting a substandard cup o’ joe from one in Cambridge eight or nine years ago, but thought I should try it again, since–if other people’s enthusiasm is any clue–their coffee is laced with meth. I ordered a regular coffee and a chocolate cake donut.  The donut was not disgusting, just substandard in its lack of warmth and chocolateyness.  (And–let’s be honest–my standards are not particularly high.  As I type this, I am enjoying a hearty dessert of salted nuts and candy corn.)  The coffee was decent when it was burning hot, but when it cooled down enough for me to actually taste it, it was bitter and sour and smelled vaguely burnt. It’s also worth noting that you’re not allowed to put in your own cream and sugar, and that their default is three packets of sugar for a 16-oz cup. I had to ask twice to get the person who was pouring it to put only one packet in. Their slogan is “America Runs on Dunkin’.” Why would America want to run on saturated-solution sugar coffee and substandard donuts?  Then again, these people also think “good weather” is 85 degrees, overcast, and humid.

The dissonance between the Dunkin’ Donuts hype and my experience was large enough that I felt motivated to join an anti-Dunkin’ Donuts Facebook group (and assumed that I would have several from which to choose).  Imagine my surprise when I saw only half a dozen tiny (<50) groups of people who were anti-Dunkin’ (disgruntled employees; some person whose mom supposedly found a cockroach in her Dunkin’ Donuts coffee; people who believe that their love for Starbucks requires them to disparage all other successful companies that serve coffee), and over 40 pro-Dunkin’ groups(!!). A search for “Dunkin’ Donuts gross” turns up only a Facebook group campaigning for Dunkin’ Donuts coffee to be sold by the gross.  I joined a six-person group called “Dunkin’ Disgusting,” which is slightly hyperbolic but seems to be on the right track.  There was one group proclaiming that Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is better than McDonald’s coffee.  Dunkin’ Donuts coffee is probably also better than rat excrement boiled in lemon juice.  But neither observation warrants boasting, let alone a Facebook group.